The Definitive List of the 65 Hottest Footballers You Should Root For at the World Cup

The World Cup is here to quench your thirst and not a moment too soon. Dozens of teams have descended on Russia for FIFA's yearly battle of the nations and, with them, a smorgasbord of soccer snacks! (Or, if you are anywhere but the United States, a phalanx of fetching footballers.) (I don't want to make an international incident out of this, but we do have to admit that soccer snacks just works better. It rolls off the tongue, as it were. I don't want to discuss this any further. Please do not yell at me about this, Emmanuel Macron. I have made my decision.)

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And speaking of international incidents: it is a crime to sleep on these hottie headers. You need to get all the way into football thirst. These are dudes who are willing to put in hours of physical exertion for one goal. The metaphorical implications of this are ::ahem:: inspiring. I'm saying, no matter what position they play, these guys are all Finishers.

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I've just received a communiqué informing me that there is a move in football called Scissoring and I have to lie down for the rest of the day.

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So, at the risk of being too Forward, please feast your eyes on these Keepers. Every one a Match made in Heaven.

Tomoaki Makino of Japan is serving you intense FIFA Zaddy lewks.

Mousa Dembele of Belgium proves that all it takes is a tug of fabric to activate thirst. This is football burlesque.

Isco of Spain gives you a smize.

Intense smolder and beard goals from Mile Jedinak of Australia.

Abdiel Arroyo of Panama is here to have a good time.

Ahmed Khalil of Tunisia is great with his legs but he clearly never skips arms day either.

James Rodriguez of Colombia is a present that can’t wait to be unwrapped.

It’s no head-scratcher why Fabian Schaer of Switzerland is on this list.

Kim Shin-Wook of South Korea gives you a pose that says Instagram Boyfriend Caught in a Moment of Casual Slay.

Give Ricardo Avila of Panama a ring.

Presnel Kimpembe of France knows that a full glimpse of his beauty would be too much to take.

Ian Smith of Costa Rica would like you to help him take his shirt off.

Pictured: Mats Hummels of Germany and Ilkay Guendogan of Germany. Not pictured but ever-present: my overwhelming thirst.

Yoshinori Muto of Japan is almost as excited to see us as I am to see him.

Marcelo Brozovic of Croatia really wants you to think.

Look at this carefree snack bébé, Marco Asensio of Spain!

Tomoaki Makino of Japan plays hard to get.

Dylan Bronn of Tunisia can’t believe how thirsty you are.

Axel Witsel gives us more Belgium burlesque!

Thibaut Courtois of Belgium is trying to bite his goalie glove off and I am undone! This entire team is a bunch of (strip)teases and I am HERE FOR IT.

Wow, Alisson Becker of Brazil does not want to be left out of this narrative!

Alvaro Odriozola of Spain is doing a lot and no one is yelling about it.

Gotoku Sakai of Japan will fight for this love.

Luis Muriel of Colombia will also fight for this love!

Find someone who looks at you like Germany’s Manuel Neuer looks at Julian Draxler, also of Germany.

Ronald Matarrita of Costa Rica is doing the most and I would like seconds.

Nahuel Guzman of Argentina wants you to have better goals.

Adil Rami of France readies his mustache. ::ahem::

Eduardo Salvio of Argentina is giving you Album Cover realness.

Luka Modric of Croatia goes for coy and moody, like a dude Lady Bird would probably date in college.

Whatever this is an ad for, Joshua Kimmich of Germany is selling the hell out of it. I’ll take two, please.

Mbaye Niang of Senegal frames his perfect face perfectly.

Diego Reyes of Mexico’s sour face cannot disguise his hotness. I AM NOT FOOLED.

Yasir Al Shahrani of Saudia Arabia is serving portraiture realness.

Shinji Kagawa of Japan looking like he’s about to chomp into a snack. Snacks eating snacks!

Neymar Jr. of Brazil combines my two favorite things: eating and him taking his shirt off.

Wilder Cartagena of Peru is putting the ball in your court.

Dear Paulo Dybala of Argentina: honestly, how dare you?!

Marouane Fellaini of Belgium is serious about being your one and only.

Mohamed Ben Amor of Tunisia is pumped about his hotness. Very same.

Denis Cheryshev of Russia perfects a smolder.

Son Heung-Min of South Korea has a message of love.

Wahbi Khazri of Tunisia is also spreading the love.

Fakhreddine Ben Youssef of Tunisia giving you ginger goals.

Antoine Griezmann of France’s L stands for Lover.

Whomever is under this luchador mask is probably hot.

I pledge allegiance to Federico Fazio of Argentina.

Paul Pogba of France pretends to be shocked by your attraction to him.

You're #1 with Fahad Almuwallad of Saudi Arabia.

Alexey Miranchuk of Russia (L) poses with his twin brother Anton Miranchuk of Russia (R). TWIN HOTTIES!

Yvon Mvogo of Switzerland is unable to locate anyone as hot as he is.

Here's a bunch of pictures of hot dudes telling me to be quiet, which apparently is now a thing I am very into. It's that thing where A Quiet Place is your kink.

Rodney Wallace of Costa Rica!

Nacer Chadli of Belgium! I will never speak again.

Marco Fabian of Mexico!

Jung Seung-Hyun of South Korea!

Carlos Salcedo of Mexico!

Domagoj Vida of Croatia!

Sergio Ramos of Spain !

Philippe Coutinho of Brazil!

Meanwhile, Youri Tielemans and Thorgan Hazard of Belgium want it louder. Call me Natalie Imbruglia, because I am torn!

Youri Tielemans.

Thorgan Hazard.

SPORTS!

Colombia’s Radamel Falcao