Relationship Advice From Real Couples Who Got Through It

“Sometimes, the best way to support your partner is just to affirm what they are going through and say, ‘This feeling is so hard and I am sorry you are struggling,’” say Alex and Effee, a couple from Chicago, both of whom identify as trans.

“In our relationship, we have had to practice being patient, compassionate, and understanding as the other person navigated her relationship to her body/gender and the ways in which that affects how she wants to be loved. While it's tempting to always want to jump to uplifting your partner when they are feeling down or dysphoric, it can often come across as minimizing or dismissing what they are going through.”

Even further, they both continue, it’s imperative to have an identity (and respect your partner’s identity) outside of one another.

“Being able to affirm our sense of self-worth outside of our relationship has also been crucial in making sure that we continue to stay together because we truly want to be together. [It's because we want to] share our life, [not] desperation for affirmation through having a romantic partner.”

Katie and Christian, two doctors based in Boston and Los Angeles, respectively, know that in any good partnership, communication is the first and foremost key.

“If you can include your partner in your day-to-day with frequent texts or short calls, the physical distance is mitigated by virtual closeness,” says Katie. “Long-distance can often fail because peoples’ lives move on in each respective location and the relationship remains stagnant. Christian and I have been fortunate that our lives remained intertwined and grew together.”

“Prioritize your relationship,” Christian agrees. “It is easy to focus on people in close proximity—friends, coworkers, and family. If your relationship is going to work, it needs to have the same priority as if your significant other lived with you. This means giving up drinks or events with local friends sometimes in order to spend time with your partner—even if 'spending time' is just a phone call."

"It also means being creative—sending flowers, cards, or little gifts frequently to maintain some type of physical presence in their life from afar,” he adds.

In fact, he continues, being long-distance forced communication in a way that may otherwise be overlooked. “In an odd way, we’ve become closer than we were before. The time we set aside each night is protected and focused on one another, which fostered intimacy.”

When you’re 26 and with a man nearly twice your age with kids just about your age, it’s hard to get friends and family to buy into your relationship. That, Allie and Bill say, isn’t worth paying any mind to.

“Don't worry about what you think people might say,” Allie suggests. “Many of my friends wondered how it would work, considering we were at different life stages; he has kids and has been married, and I can't necessarily relate to those experiences because I haven't had them yet. What's more important than age is compatibility, which we definitely have.

"I guess the challenge was getting over the anxiety that people would judge us, think he was ‘too old’ for me, or that we weren't suitable for each other. Once I stopped allowing what others might think dictate how I felt, I found myself in a very happy place.”

Bill experienced that anxiety in a different way.

“For me, it wasn't the social pressure of being accepted, as I'm pretty confident in myself, but more so her friends and family being accepting of the fact that I was older and that Allie was genuinely happy.

"Different stages in life isn't necessarily a bad thing—it's how you look at it and perceive it through your eyes as a couple and the experiences you have together. There definitely can be some social anxiety on both ends with friends and family, but if you truly focus on each other, respect and support each other, you will confidently be able to lean on your partner. That goes a really long way.”

“Make a pact to be completely honest with everyone, at all times,” says Sharon, who's part of a polyamorous couple, of the one thing she recommends for success. “Especially yourself. No matter how challenging it is—because trust me, it’ll be challenging.”

Also difficult is letting go of the natural, competitive instinct to protect what’s yours. “Jealousy is high on the list of problems I’ve encountered, but thankfully it goes away with time. I had to learn that a person is not property and can’t be ‘stolen’ [and] that a funny thing happens when I allow more love in my life: Simply, there is more love in my life.”

Her partner Isaac stresses that honesty and transparency are paramount. “Be ready to challenge your customs and ideas. Be ready to work on your communication skills and be ready to grow. I believe polyamory can really open up a lot of growth to those who seek it out.

"The hardest thing for me has been keeping my heart open and enjoying the experience. There is a deeper level of intimacy, sharing, and togetherness. We share everything: every thought, every feeling, every emotion, and every desire with each other. What could be better than knowing that your vulnerability is helping others come closer together?”